Before I start breaking down my sanity with my next series review, let’s have some Halloween fun with one of my favorite flicks – Halloween 3 – Season of the Witch.
All right everyone. Calm down. I know this film is a big trigger for the fan bois out there, but you know it IS possible for it to exist alongside the entirety of the Halloween franchise, shitty sequels and pathetic remakes included….
You know what? To hell with that. Fuck off all you haters and, while we’re at it, the newbie lovers who’ve decided to take a joyride on the film’s coattails only because it pisses off the traditionalists. This movie gave us pure and honest entertainment, with or without your fickle tendencies, or the emotional instabilities of the rabid Myerists.
Let’s address the hate. I can sort of understand where it comes from. Halloween without Michael Myers? Are you fucking daft? The problem arises from two issues: 1) The purists of any fandom. Stray one fucking straw’s width from what’s considered “canon” and you are the fucking devil; and 2) The producers and promoters FUCKING FORGOT to tell people, “Oh yeah. We’re making this movie that doesn’t have anything to do with Michael Myers but what we want to do is create something stand alone and then we can make a spin off or tangentially connected spin off each year at Halloween. We cool, bro?”
I admit, as a younger person, I didn’t understand the connection, or lack thereof, between Halloween 3 and all the other films. But I saw a documentary a while back where they explained the dropped ball of promotion. By then, though, I was already a fan despite the lack of Myers. Or maybe because of it.
I also admit that Halloween 3 is now my favorite in the franchise, though many consider it NOT part of a damn thing but a stand-alone film. Which is perfect. If you can look at it through that lens, it’s a fun and enjoyable movie. However, if you expect ol’ Mikey to be there, or what has become stale slasher shit, you might as well go bail water out of the Titanic because it ain’t happening.
But be glad. It doesn’t need Myers to be a good film. Let’s go through it, shall we?
WARNING: There will be spoilers because let’s be honest. The movie is from 1982 and has been part of many a debate and argument since its release. Not my fault you can’t get out of your mom’s basement long enough to have any kind of meaningful interaction with another human being, or even read one issue of Fangoria, okay?
IF MURDERING CHILDREN IS WRONG, I DON’T WANNA BE RIGHT
The basic premise is this: behind the facade of an innocuous Halloween mask company lurks the sinister witch, Conal Cochran, and his plan to kill a shit ton of kids, thereby fulfilling a worthy sacrifice for the festival of Samhain, just like in the good old days.
Pretty straightforward idea, though the movie takes us along the scenic route to get there.
It opens with a single man, running down a dark road to escape a car in pursuit. He has to battle his way out of his would-be captor’s clutches to find refuge in a dark and dreary gas station. Even the hospital he’s transported to is weirdly deserted, save for a few medical staff, so even though he’s “safe,” it doesn’t feel that way.
Especially as he rambles on with, “they’re going to kill us all!” And that’s exactly what happens – to him at least. At his gruesome murder, Dr. Daniel Challis (Tom Atkins) is pulled into a mystery fueled by ancient magic and tradition. But it’s also enhanced with some modern technology, mainly the grey suited men that keep popping up and act like robots.
FORESHADOWING.
He and the murdered man’s daughter, Ellie Grimbridge (Stacey Nelkin), team up and head down to the Silver Shamrock factory, the last place her Papa visited before his death. There’s something fishy going on over there, and she won’t rest until she finds out the truth.
Santa Mira, the small town that houses the factory, is clearly full of factory loyalists. They praise Mr. Cochran almost like a deity; eying outsiders with suspicious glares and mumbled asides; the town even uses cameras to watch everything that goes on, especially after curfew.
Who the fuck has a town curfew? COMMUNISTS, that’s who.
So we discover as Ellie and Dan, via visiting the factory, talking to other sales people and Dan’s connections outside the town, and then eventually getting taken hostage by the employees under Cochran’s control, that Silver Shamrock is anything but a harmless purveyor of simple Halloween masks.
OH, THOSE WACKY CELTS!
This is where things do get a bit cray. In a true “villain explains the whole plot before killing the hero” trope, Cochran spills the beans. Or the tea, as the kids say. With the magic enhancing power of the stolen Stonehenge stone (try saying that five times fast), all of the computer chips embedded in the company logos attached to the Silver Shamrock masks will activate across the country and MERCILESSLY BUTCHERING EVERY FUCKING KID WEARING ONE.
And I don’t mean just a quick zap and their hearts explode. Oh no. These kids will rot into piles of slithering snakes, creepy crawly insects, and mush. Cochran is nice enough to demonstrate the power of his magic via a hidden camera in a back room where Buddy, the #1 salesman in the country, his wife, and their young son, are waiting on further instructions from the company.
It’s pretty gross, in the most epic way possible.
And while it would be awesome to see Cochran’s plan come to fruition, Dan has other ideas. I can’t tell if it’s his natural charisma, skill, or just dumb luck that helps him to stop Cochran, use his ancient Celtic magic against him, thereby lasering all the employees and vaporizing Conal straight back to 1000BCE Ireland.
But, kids, you’re not safe yet. Because before Dan defeated Mr. Evil Lucky Charms, the signal meant to reach all those little computer chips in all those masks has already hit the airwaves. So now Dan needs to call the Big Three (not Dominos, Hungry Howies, or Little Caesars) and get them to stop their broadcasts. They just need to stop it because millions will die if they don’t. Just stop it. Stop it. STOOOP IIIITTT!
If you’ve seen the film, you know what I just did there. If you haven’t (troglodyte), the final scene is a close up on Dan as he screams into the phone with the last TV station, that hasn’t stopped their broadcast yet, before the screen goes black. Did he succeed? Did he fail? We don’t know!
And let me tell you, even all these years later, it is absolutely chilling to hear Dan’s screams as he turns to look at YOU, the viewer, in his desperation.
JUST THROW ANOTHER TROPE ON THE FIRE
I think one of the things I really appreciate as an adult is the story and villain motivation. It wasn’t exactly commonplace for ancient pagan traditions to be explored or even used as story elements. Sure, the research at the time still left a lot of questions unanswered about paganism and Stonehenge, so Hollywood kinda filled in the gaps with more tropes (human sacrifice, planet alignments, that Samhain only took place once every few thousand years, etc.). But you gotta love Cochran explaining how they got the stolen stone to the US in the first place.
“Ha ha. We had a TIME getting it here. You wouldn’t believe how we did it.”
Get it? Because to this day, we still don’t know how those stones got from Wales to England, let alone how someone could burgle the damned monument and transport a few tons of rock over the pond!
Why aren’t you laughing?
Anyway, I also love the use of isolation, either physical or mental/emotional. The idea of one person, or just two, trying to defeat a seemingly all-reaching evil superpower; the factory town literally being in the middle of nowhere; even the hospital had a lonely cut-off feeling to it for the few scenes it was utilized. Even as the characters realize that no matter where they go, they cannot hide from the villain and his treachery and will, eventually, succumb to his evil plan.
The acting is pretty standard. Side characters are doing the minimum to help progress the story, even if some are a bit over the top. Tom Atkins is always a joy to watch. Not to cast aspersions upon the legend, but it’s nice to see a leading man be just an average looking, middle aged guy but whose charm makes him even more desirable. I know that might be a little hard to believe for a lot of people, but for those of us who find Mr. Atkins incredible sexy know exactly what I’m talking about.
But the absolute star of this show is Dan O’Herlihy as Conal Cochran. Through most of the film, I always thought he was from England. His clipped accent screamed The Queen’s English to me. But when he starts to explain the tradition behind Samhain and its rituals, you hear the Irish lilt come over his voice. Almost like Cochran had lived three thousand ago, participated in those ancient traditions “when the hills ran red with the blood of animals and children.”
The man is so smooth, so CONFIDENT that he’s going to succeed, you can almost forgive the “here’s my evil plan” exposition dump. The twinkle in his eye, and the pure glee he displays as he anticipates the coming slaughter, makes him one of the most enjoyable villains I’ve ever watched on screen.
Direction from Tommy Lee Wallace was great. He also collaborated with John Carpenter on the story. Sets, sound, photography, and music (also by Carpenter) all rounded out the enjoyable aspects of the film.
I think the only thing that confuses me is the use of the automatons. I suppose they make great henchmen. No emotions to get in the way. No soul searching ethical conflicts to stop them from gouging some poor old man’s eyes out and then setting THEMSELVES on fire to keep from getting caught by the cops.
But other than that…it seemed they were written in as just a shock factor to the unsuspecting human characters of the storyline.
Anyway, I encourage those who hate this movie to revisit it. Look at it from Carpenter’s viewpoint. He was trying to make something different that would have spun off into even more varied tales and stories. I mean, if the man who created Halloween doesn’t hate this movie, then why do you? Maybe you should do a little soul searching, you heartless monster, and find the courage to recognize I’m right and you’ve been wrong all along.
4.5 Margaritas (out of 5)
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Halloween 3 - Drunken Monkey Movie Review Special - Malevolentdark
Director: Tommy Lee Wallace
Date Created: 1970-01-01 00:33
4.5