Movie recommendations, like clichés, can be plentiful.
They can be as unique as a fingerprint or snowflake, hailed as the best thing since sliced bread, but ultimately beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and sometimes the beholder might be a little loopy. This has never been truer than with the horror genre.
Back in My Day…
In the marvelous 21st century, all one has to do is go online, listen to a podcast, or watch a video from a favorite website, social media platform, or content creator. Like many things, there are far too many people in the world ready to tell you what to watch, eat, think, and believe. Present company excluded, of course.
Much like Charles Dickens wrote in the opening of A Tale of Two Cities (because who says horror fans cannot enjoy a little highbrow culture alongside their blood-soaked mayhem) it is the best of times and the worst of times. In one sense, it has never been easier to enjoy the fruits of the horror genre, or any genre for that matter. At the same time, something is missing. The adventure of finding a true diamond in the rough has slowly faded away.
Choosing a Path Was Half of the Fun
I grew up in the era of Choose Your Own Adventure books. For those unfamiliar with the concept, the book would proceed as normal until the author offered the reader a choice. Do you take the dark staircase, or do you walk down the brightly lit hallway? While it seemed mundane, it had consequences.
Based on your choice, the story would head down a distinct path while the other option vanished into the literary void. If the outcome was lame, you could always flip back to the book’s proverbial fork in the road and try the other choice, and many times I did.
Truth be told, those books, while a clever idea, never really panned out for me. The payoff was rarely there no matter what choice you made.
What are you Rambling About?
So you might be asking: What does this rambling, 1980s-soaked trip down memory lane have to do with anything? Here, I hope, is the payoff:
Today, instant gratification sits at your fingertips and probably in your pocket in the form of a smartphone. Us graybeards of the 1980s and 1990s, however, had the joy of wandering the aisles of a video store, stalking our next movie like masked maniacs searching for our next victim. All we had were the few paragraphs of text on the back of the video box or issues of magazines like Fangoria to provide us with the intel we needed to decide.
An Elegant Video Store for a More Civilized Age
Mom-and-pop shops were the best for this adventure, but eventually they fell to the corporate powerhouses, including Blockbuster and Family Video. Until they too went the way of the dodo.
In my hometown, there was a strip mall that included a video store proudly boasting 10,000 movies for rent. I eventually worked at that very store while in college, and it was every bit as glamorous as you might think. It has long since closed, and while the strip mall is still there, the old video store has been carved into multiple retail spaces that now includes a OrangeTheory Fitness, a nail salon, a Verizon store, a UPS Store, and some restaurant I can never remember the name of. Blasphemous, I know,
The horror section of this now-extinct video store stretched across rows upon rows of VHS tapes and eventually DVDs. Some titles you knew, but many you had never heard of before. For every Friday the 13th, there was a Nail Gun Massacre or some other fever dream of a movie title that escapes me. Needless to say, some were gems, others were absolute garbage, but it was a great time to be alive.
So after all that, guess what? I’m going to provide you with a list of recommendations. Much like a trip to the video store in my heyday or a Chose Your Own Adventure book, some of these are gems and some are garbage. That, however, is for you to decide. Either way, I guarantee you are going to have something to say about this list.
The Prowler (1981)
A traumatized World War II veteran returns decades later to stalk and kill college students during graduation weekend. I think this is an underappreciated slasher, and the soundtrack/score reminds me of something Henry Manfredini created just a year before.
Nail Gun Massacre (1985)
After a young girl is gang-raped by a crew of construction workers, someone starts killing members of the group with a nail gun. Just typing that sentence makes me question some of my life choices when it comes to movies, but will you watch it?
Intruder (1989)
The overnight stock crew of a local supermarket finds itself stalked and brutally murdered by a mysterious supermarket maniac. It is a solid flick with some great practical effects that might even make Art the Clown blush.
Chopping Mall (1986)
Teenagers trapped overnight in a mall are hunted by malfunctioning security robots armed with lethal weapons. It combines the 1980s’ two favorite things: shopping malls and killer robots. What’s not to like? Also, this soundtrack/score absolutely slaps.
Slaughter High (1986)
Years after a cruel prank, former classmates are lured back to their abandoned school and picked off by a masked killer seeking revenge. It is not a movie you will rush to revisit, but it is a perfectly serviceable slasher that left an impression on me. I am still not entirely sure whether that impression was good or bad.
Street Trash (1987)
A toxic bargain-bin liquor turns homeless drinkers into melting corpses in a splattery black comedy. This movie should have been filmed in Smell-O-Vision and Taste-O-Vision because the grime of 1980s New York is on full display. The city itself feels like one of the main characters. Side note: you will never look at football the same way again. IYKYK.
Brain Damage (1988)
A man becomes addicted to a talking parasite that provides euphoric highs in exchange for human brains. This is the anti-drug movie that Nancy Reagan and the “Just Say No” campaign only wished they could have made. It showcases the grittier side of 1980s New York, and horror-host icon John Zacherle as Aylmer is fantastic.
Hack-O-Lantern (1988)
A young man’s sinister grandfather grooms him to join a satanic cult as murders erupt around their small town at Halloween. This movie is truly something to behold. That “something” may vary from viewer to viewer.
Things (1989)
An impotent husband, driven by a fanatical desire to father children, forces his wife into a dangerous experiment that results in the birth of monstrous “Things.” This movie is Canadian, which somehow explains absolutely nothing. This film cannot be explained. It can only be experienced. It is an endurance test, not just of comprehension, but of whether you can actually make it to the end credits.
Mosquito (1994)
Human-sized mosquitoes unleash a violent massacre, forcing survivors to band together and fight back. The movie stars a familiar face, Gunnar Hansen. In a blatant but welcome homage to The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Hansen grabs a chainsaw and goes to town on these absurd blood-sucking bugs.
Bring it on; were these diamonds in the rough, or are you cursing my name? Let’s fight… 3:00… the comments section.