All righty dighty. Let’s get this second review in the books, shall we? Behold my offering of Warlock: The Armageddon.
REMINDER: My editor hopped on one of those pedal bars last week with her yoga instructor and was last seen chugging hipster IPAs like her life depended on it. Spoilers will ensue.
WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE DRUIDS?
The movie begins in the before times, when the Druids used their magic rune stones to protect the earth by preventing the birth of Satan’s son.
Almost had me on board there for a minute…
Seems a young pregnant woman is about to give birth to the devil because…reasons…and the Druids step in to save the day. While they prevent the evil birth, three of their five magical stones are stolen.
Well, shit.
Flash forward to the present. We meet Kenny and Samantha, two young lovebirds who want to get out of their small backwater town. Unfortunately for them, her dad is the local preacher (because of COURSE he is) and his dad is a Druid. Both know Satan’s shit is about to hit the fan, again, and the Rev doesn’t want no daughter of his involved with the son of a Druid.
What would Jesus think??
TALK ABOUT THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH!
It’s all out of everyone’s hands, though, as the lost runes are popping up all over fashionable NY or wherever. And, one young woman owns a piece of jewelry made of one of the stones and wouldn’t you know it? It’s like a homing beacon to the Warlock, who uses its close proximity to the chick to utilize her as a birthing vessel. LITERALLY.
Ew.
Surprisingly, she survives the birth but only long enough to crawl away from Julian Sands sporting a Full Monty before he uses her corpse to communicate with Satan, like she’s one half of a tin can phone we used as kids to talk to each other from across the yard. Satan burns a map of the locations of the other rune stones into her skin to help the Warlock find them so Satan can be born into this world. Or maybe this is his second chance to become the Devil’s son since he cocked it up in the first movie?
Or whatever.
Catch is – he’s only got six days to do it. I mean, that seems arbitrary but what the hell do I know?
WHAT’S A LITTLE MURDER BETWEEN FAMILY?
At this point, it seems Travis and Sam’s fathers finally get around to explaining what the actual fuck is going on. Both teens are some kind of Druid warriors and only they can kill the Warlock. And they’d better fucking get on it ASAP. So their families murder them, bring them back to life, and now they are initiated.
Wut?
I have no idea what the logic is here but only in resurrection are these kids physically ready to fight the warlock.
Fuckin’ Druids.
Now everyone is Kung fu fighting. And for some reason, the dads, though they’ve known their whole lives that the Warlock might do what he’s doing, are woefully unprepared for the battle. But that’s okay because they can heal Travis when he gets hurts (which is an awful lot) so he and Sam can continue the fight.
They finally get the upper hand on the Warlock, AFTER he opens the portal to Hell. They use the only weapon that can actually kill the Warlock, he melts in spectacular fashion, and disappears forever.
But NOT before his skeletal hand reaches up from the gooey mud to snatch one of the rune stones and take it back to Hell.
I guess.
Watch Warlock 2: The Armageddon (1993)
I remembered absolutely nothing about this movie so it’s entirely possible I never actually saw it until just now. Am I mad about it? Um…maybe only from a completionist point of view.
This flick is certainly filled with all the cheese in Wisconsin but I’m not super mad about it. In true horror sequel fashion, the story is convoluted, unnecessarily complicated, and filled with tropes and unicorn horns.
Well, maybe not that last part.
But it does feel like this sequel pushed the brutality and gore up to eleven. Innocent pregnant woman getting an arrow to the face; the birth of the Warlock and the resulting death and mutilation of the volunteered mom; undead cab drivers; dead hookers; exploding green body juice; mirror prison; stabbing; pipe impaling; inappropriate baby doll dresses; fingerpainting with Druid body fluids; dog murder; shootings; skin maps; and naked Julian Sands.
That last bit isn’t brutal. It’s just tasty.
Oh grow up.
The characters aren’t that bad. We get some good development for most of them. Chris Young (PCU) and Paula Marshall (Hellraiser 3) are the young lovers, Kenny and Sam. They come off as an odd couple to outsiders. They planned to go off to college together but shit just gets fucked up and ruins everything.
Their parents, played by Steve Kahn (Lethal Weapon franchise) and Bruce Glover (character actor with WAY too many credits to just name one) start off as a bit mysterious, obviously hiding truths to protect their children. But they do become known as heroes once it’s all over. And I have to admit, the scene where the Reverend has to kill Sam, it’s quite heart wrenching. I fucking cried, people!
Even the side characters are fun. The modern druids in RG Armstrong (dear gods so many acting credits) and Charles Hallahan (The Thing) provide some much needed comedic elements to the story when things get heavy.
The f/x are similar to the original. We get those optical effects (ooh…sparkles) to indicate magic is happening. And like I mentioned above, the gore has been intensified, all in glorious practical effects.
Director Anthony Hickox (Waxwork, Full Eclipse) brought exactly what he brought to his other films: straight nineties horror. While some of the characters came across as whiny or wooden, I think that was on purpose, and Anthony delivered a decently entertaining film. I’m glad he didn’t direct Julian to make this Warlock campy or overbearing. He allowed the character to remain calm, collected, and calculating.
Best part of the film, honestly.
So, was Warlock: The Armageddon any good? Well, sort of. The pacing dragged in a few spots, indicating the movie itself was just too long for what it needed to do. Again, the hyper focused trope of witches worshipping Satan is so fucking tired. But for a horror sequel? It ain’t bad.
