Well, now that we survived the first movie in this franchise (I’m calling if that because it turns out there are four films!) let’s get grooving on the second, shall we? Mirror Mirror 2: Raven Dance! And boy, are we in for some fun.
And by fun I mean, not any.
SPOILERS: As my editor has fully immersed herself in the wellness influencer cult of sunbathing one’s arsehole for “health reasons” and won’t come back inside, there will be spoilers.
Raven, What Raven?
The opening scene shows an exhausted woman, Nicolette, lying in bed after having given birth, and surrounded by a bunch of nuns (you know shit’s about to go down where there’s a superfluity of nuns in the room.) I think it’s a church/orphanage. Not sure why she’s there – unless she’s a 30 year old orphan and got preggers…
You know what? Not important. What IS important is that damned mirror from the first movie is in her room. It’s covered with the black cloth and a shit load of crosses but maybe they’re just decorative? Because Nicolette is freaking out like, “That mirror is evil! Stab it with that knife I keep in the dresser!” But Sister Aja is all, “Chill out, home girl. Evil can’t exist in the house of God.”
Is she…is she new here? This is the religious equivalent of reading from a book covered in human skin.
The nun then proceeds to take all the protective accoutrements off the mirror. I mean, I get that she’s really secure in her faith and all but the hubris is mind boggling! I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the unholy shit hits the fan of hell. Sr. Aja is blinded and Nicolette simply…disappears.
Huh.
Anyhoo… 17 years later the orphanage still stands, run by Sr. Marion but it’s also some kind of retreat? Marlee and Jeffrey have come after their father’s death. Not sure what happened to their mom, just that she was their dad’s 2nd wife and Roslyn, the older daughter from the first marriage, was not included in the will. So she and her doctor boyfriend plan to drive Marlee nuts so they can get control of her inheritance.
Sounds pretty simple, except we know that the demon mirror is still chillin’ in the orphanage. And we also know that some fucking halfwit is going to make a wish in its presence.
Dammit, Marlee.
She does make that first wish and people end up dead, but she also ends up blind. This is the perfect opportunity for Rosyln to step in, have her squeeze, Doctor Lasky, shoot Marlee up with a bunch of drugs, and start the machinations. And while Marlee eventually figures out the mirror can grant her wishes, she can’t see its true nature. Her little bro can but naturally no one listens to a child.
I believe it’s Isaiah 11:6 that tell us “…and a child shall lead them.” These nuns, I just can’t even.
Now here’s where things go kinda off the rails for me. We are suddenly introduced to this rando character, Christian. Very enigmatic, appears and disappears, seemingly, at will. No one but Marlee see him, until closer to the end, but it seems he’s just trying to help. So who the hell is this guy?
If you guessed Nicolette’s son (remember the woman who gave birth at the beginning?) you win the Kewpie Doll!
Eventually, the movie drags ass halfway through then skyrockets through the rest of the death and destruction. Roslyn and Dr. Feelgood get their comeuppance…s; Sr. Marion (the biggest fool and Doubting Thomas of them all) gets her clock cleaned by a stained glass Knight brought to life (serves her right); the demon comes out of the mirror to go after Marlee only to be thwarted by Christian right at the end. Out of desperation and who fucking knows what, Marlee WISHES IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM!
Aaaaaaand we’re back to the opening scene. But instead of Nicolette being in bed, begging for the nuns to destroy the mirror, it’s Marlee. Pretty much giving us a similar ending to the first film.
AKA, same shit, different day.
So Much Dancing, But NOT With Ravens
Oy. Where to begin…?
Before I shit all over this (and believe me, I’m about to, like I’m prepping for a colonoscopy) let’s talk about the stuff I enjoyed.
Um…I think the best parts of this film were the actors. Not necessarily because their work was exemplary in this turd (great actors can only do so much with mediocre writing) but in general, they’ve done fantastic work in and out of the horror genre. Veronica Cartwright as Sr. Aja, Mark Ruffalo (in his first full-length feature) as Christian, Sally Kellerman (Hot Lips O’Houlihan herself) as Roslyn, and one of my favs, Roddy McDowall as Dr. Lasky.
That’s not to say Sally didn’t chew on every scene like it was Thanksgiving leftovers…
We get a couple others, though their parts are less involved. William Sanderson returns, this time as Roger, a no good handyman helping Roslyn and the Doc, Lois Nettleton as Sr. Marion, and a brief but impactful scene with Sarah Douglas as Nicolette. And while the little kid playing Jeffrey was really not that memorable, he’s not even listed on IMDB. Eeeesh.
Other than that, the rest of this movie is basically crap. Aside from the simplistic idea of an evil mirror wreaking havoc, the story development and dialogue become nonsensical many times. Who the hell was Nicolette? Why was the mirror in her room? Why do the nuns write off the idea of the evil mirror when it’s covered in crosses? Sr. Marion just never gets it until it’s too late. If anyone should believe in evil, it’s a bunch of fucking nuns. Had the writers actually ever met or talked to one?
Though, to be fair, they do develop Sr. Aja enough where she’s yelling about how the mirror won’t win, she won’t let it happen again, etc. Uh…it’s YOUR fault this happened in the first place. YOU uncovered the mirror.
Well, I suppose the mirror was uncovered 17 years later by some punk band dipshit (don’t ask – it’s not worth it) but that doesn’t excuse her own dipshittery.
And what the hell is up with Christian? To be perfectly honest, while I do enjoy Mark Ruffalo’s acting and adorable face, his character MAKES NO DAMN SENSE. Is he supernatural? Is he connected to the mirror? Why did no one go looking for him when he ran away from the orphanage years ago? “Ope, lost another one. Oh well. Who wants to go pray?”
(Oh, shit. What if the demon is Nicolette’s baby daddy??)
Why are there SO MANY SCENES of Marlee dancing? Was Tracy Wells trying to launch a dance career and acting was her back up gig?
And did I tell you her cat’s name is Pyewacket. PYEWACKET. The name of an accused witch’s familiar from 1644. Why? Why is that a thing? Other than one scene where Marlee runs around looking for it, saying it’s name about 47 times in the span of three minutes, it has no bearing on the movie whatsoever.
Quoth the Raven, Oh Nevermind
There’s really nothing remarkable about this flick. The fashion and cinematography are mid-90s dated. The whole thing felt stale and tired and definitely not as entertaining as the first film. I understand why the original film has more of a cult following at this point, but there’s no danger of that happening with this boring, head-scratching, jumbled mess of a movie.
1 margarita (out of 5)
